


Fear of Losing a Loved One

by Illnoira666 (Erin330)



Category: Formula 1 RPF
Genre: Angst, Angst and Feels, F1 1995, Feels, M/M
Language: English
Status: Completed
Published: 2020-10-23
Updated: 2020-10-23
Packaged: 2021-03-08 18:29:18
Rating: Teen And Up Audiences
Warnings: No Archive Warnings Apply
Chapters: 1
Words: 1,456
Publisher: archiveofourown.org
Story URL: https://archiveofourown.org/works/27161162
Author URL: https://archiveofourown.org/users/Erin330/pseuds/Illnoira666
Summary: A different take after Adelaide 1995.
Relationships: Mika Häkkinen/Michael Schumacher
Comments: 1
Kudos: 8





	Fear of Losing a Loved One

When Michael saw Mika’s crash and then the white screens, he went completely pale and was shaking on his legs. He had to sit down in order not to fall to the ground.

Brawn and Briatore did give him strange looks, but they didn’t ask questions.

Both of them knew how he’d taken Ayrton’s death last year in San Marino, and the possibility of _another_ driver dying from an on-track accident would take another toll on the entire grid.

And well, Mika was a lot closer to the German. They were around the same age, shared podiums and had something of a bromance type thing going on.

But what the pair had wasn’t just bromance, it was a full-on love affair.

Nobody but them knew. But whom could you trust in a world where heterosexuality was the norm and stuff that deviated from that norm was very much unwelcome.

* * *

As the German sat there during the red flag, memories of that day in San Marino last year came back to him, where his mentor Senna had died. It was a very similar situation to the one playing out right now.

Senna too had crashed into a barrier at the end of a straight, his brakes and fronts locking up that made it impossible for a driver to turn into the corner.

Michael had kept up a stone face on the podium as he stood on that top step, but he’d cried his eyes out into Mika’s shirt at night while Mika had cried onto his shoulder. They’d both needed that comfort that another warm body gave.

 _‘Why must I pay such high prices for my championships?’_ the 2-time champion asked himself as tears started rolling down his cheek. Last year, he’d paid for his first championship with Senna’s life, and now he was possibly paying his second one with Mika’s.

Two men he’d loved, albeit in different ways, dying for his championship. This was not the way he wanted it, and he sincerely hoped that the doctors here in Australia could save his beloved.

He may not truly believe in the supernatural, but now he was praying for a miracle.

“Are you alright?” it was his teammate, Johnny Herbert, who asked it.

“Not really.” Michael admitted.

The Brit seemed unsure what to say. “Mika’s strong. He’ll survive.”

“So was Senna, but he did die.” his tears were getting stronger. “I’m going to the back. You can notify me when things are starting again.” and he went to his dressing room.

There was one of Mika’s team issued shirts in his bag.

The German just cried into the shirt. He didn’t want to lose his beloved.

Mika was incredibly precious to him, and he knew he was lucky to have found a man who shared his feelings and wasn’t pressuring him to come out. He had been so incredibly lucky.

The double champion wished he could’ve married Mika last year in complete secrecy, so he would’ve been able to sit beside his beloved in the ICU… if he even got there and wasn’t declared dead.

He cried even more.

* * *

After qualifying 3rd, Michael felt even worse.

His lover was in the Royal Adelaide Hospital, recovering from his crash. Doctors on site had performed an emergency tracheotomy to save his life. He was alive, but he’d touched death.

The German should be feeling much better because of that news, but it just didn’t feel right to start the race. Just like they should’ve stopped the race after Senna’s death. It felt too much.

He just wanted to curl up, cry, and go to sleep and get this weekend over with.

“Michael, you have to get ready.” Briatore said.

“I don’t _have to_ do anything.” the driver spat, extremely angry.

The Italian pursed his lips. “Michael, just get into your overalls.”

“I will not!” the double world champion stated profusely. “I will not drive for as long as my colleague is in the hospital fighting for his life! I never should’ve completed that San Marino Grand Prix either.” he just went into his dressing room and locked the door.

He refused to drive without his lover, he loved the man too much.

* * *

Michael was even more distraught when he saw his beloved lying in that hospital bed.

His strong partner was hooked up too many machines, with an oxygen mask covering his nose and mouth as well as a tube just underneath his Adam’s apple.

It was hard for him to watch.

The Benetton driver could only ever remember Mika as a vibrant personality, always being a big cuddly teddy bear and the light in the darkness that surrounded them.

But now the Finn laid there, exposing how fragile he truly was. His skin looked paler than before in the artificial hospital lights, there were dark circles under the man’s eyes, his chest was heaving up and down as air was pumped into his lungs… all that while his brain recovered from having a temporary oxygen deficiency in the minutes he’d been unable to breathe.

The double champion just wanted to sink onto the floor. He’d do anything to have Mika with him again. He would give up his titles if he could, leave the sport even though he was just 27, soon to be 28.

“Please, wake up.” Schumacher whispered, a tear rolling down his cheek. “I just need you to wake up, just for a second, so I know you’re still there.”

There was no response, of course.

“I can’t live without you.” more tears came. “You’re the love of my life, Mika. God, I’d marry you in a heartbeat if I could. You were my only light in the darkness when Ayrton died, but now you’re in here… in a coma. Ayrton didn’t even reach it that far, he just died there on the operation table without anyone around.” Michael wiped his tears away, only for new ones to come. “He died without anyone there, but I’ll be here for you, if you die, I won’t let you die alone. But please, I need you to live. I just cannot lose another person who’s so dear to me.”

The Benetton driver squeezed his lover’s hand. “I’m here, I’m here.”

But he only said that to reassure himself.

Because he had no idea how this was going to end.

* * *

Mika’s condition wasn’t getting any better.

He was still laying there in that hospital bed, doctors and nurses checking on him around the clock.

It sent Michael in an even more desparate mental state. He didn’t know how he’d cope with Mika’s death, but he knew it’d be worse than Senna’s. He’d appreciated having Senna in his life, to have been able to witness him in real life.

But Mika…

Mika was the love of his life, the only man he trusted with his darkest and deepest secrets.

To lose that man, who’d shown him love and everything he’d never thought he’d have because he was homosexual… he thought he might just turn suicidal if Mika was gone.

He might just decide to crash himself on purpose next time out, or drown himself, or get an overdose of pills from somewhere. He couldn’t live without Mika.

He cried at Mika’s hospital bed again, praying for any movement from his lover.

* * *

The German driver found himself looking into the mirror.

He knew he looked goddamn awful. There were large black bags under his eyes, his face had fallen in and he looked like a fucking ghost.

His mom was probably going to say he looked like he was dead. He felt like it.

Without Mika with him, he just felt empty, like there was nothing holding him up.

Right now, he felt like a zombie.

Then, he somehow saw Senna in his mirror.

Michael splashed water in his face before shaking it. “I’m going crazy.” he dried his face and got into the bed. He was staying in a small hotel very close to the Royal Adelaide Hospital. It wasn’t the luxurious stuff he was used to during the GP weekends, but he didn’t want to be reminded of Mika.

He’d gotten even thinner since Mika’s crash, he barely ate.

_“You should take care of yourself.”_

The Benetton driver looked, and saw Senna looking at him. He closed his eyes. “I’m just miserable.”

_“You’ve never been this distraught.”_

“No, because I’ve never loved someone as I’ve loved Mika.” tears came out of his eyes again.

The apparition sat down on the matrass. _“I may not have known Mika for a long time, but I do know that he wouldn’t want you to give up your life so easily.”_

“I can’t live without him.”

 _“Then carry on_ for _him.”_


End file.
